Joe Pisani (opinion): Why not let the Kardashians rule the world? (Or do they already?)

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with the cold sweats, terrified over an urgent issue of national security.

I recently read a staggering statistic that made me gasp, and it had nothing to do with border crossings, the COVID pandemic or the $28 trillion debt.

Hear me out ... Kylie Jenner, the youngest of the four Kardashian half-sisters, has 222 million followers on Instagram. She’s more popular than Joe Biden and Donald Trump combined, not to mention Martha Stewart, Dr. Oz and Judge Judy. She’s what is notoriously known as an “influencer.”

With that many followers, Kylie could be elected president, although not until she turns 35. But if Joe Biden is eligible at 78, why can’t Congress pass a law that lets Kylie into the Oval Office at 23? I propose forming a commission to explore the possibility.

I’m sure someone in the Democratic National Committee is already plotting to have a Kamala-Kylie ticket. They both have a “K” name, and that counts for a lot. In fact, if Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kourtney and Kylie, with a combined net worth of $2 billion, wanted to rule the world, they could. And I’m convinced they’d do a better job.

Kylie, who’s almost a billionaire because of her Kylie Skin cosmetics line, is a champion of free enterprise, which is something we need in America now that socialists are storming Wall Street. She can inspire us all to become billionaires.

The word “follower,” though, has always scared me. During the ’60s, it was considered a pejorative term, but in the new age of social media, young people are lining up, willing to get tattoos on their keisters that proclaim “Proud to be a follower!” Heck, they’d march into battle behind Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber without asking questions.

Can you imagine what Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun and Alaric the Goth could have done with 222 million followers? If Genghis and the Mongol hordes made their way across the Atlantic and took up residence on the shores of the Potomac, democracy as we know it would not exist, although Genghis could have started his own cosmetics line.

Sometimes I have an apocalyptic nightmare, and I imagine those 222 million followers are rampaging through Miami Beach in thong bikinis in a raid that rivals the Greek assault on Troy.

Celebrities naturally inspire idol worship, and with 222 million followers, Kylie could start her own religion. As you know, the number of the so-called “Nones” keeps growing. (They’re the young people who have no affiliation with an organized religion.) You might disagree, but when it comes to the Nones, a little crazy religion is better than no religion at all.

Let’s face reality. America needs “influencers” to save our country and unify us. Kylie may be the person to bring us back to our senses because no one else is succeeding.

I’ve always wanted to be an “influencer” even though I’m not on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. Plus, I adamantly refuse to wear a thong bikini in public, regardless of the occasion.

The problem is I don’t have any big ideas, or little ideas for that matter. However, I’ve always fancied myself a Luddite influencer with my typewriters, fountain pens and rotary phone. This, of course, begs the question — why the heck are you reading this column? Only because of absolute boredom?

I suppose I could develop my own cosmetic line, but it would have to be hypoallergenic and unscented because I’m allergic to every smell imaginable. I start sneezing uncontrollably, my eyes water and my nose runs.

I may be able to create a cosmetic concoction that combines the restorative properties of New Zealand manuka honey with Tuscan virgin olive oil and a touch of oregano, so that after a generous application, you’d look and smell like a pizza from Frank Pepe’s ... without the toppings.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should confess that after I’m done writing this, I’m going to Walmart to buy my wife the deluxe Kyle Skin assortment starter kit, and I’m sure she’ll love me for it. (I hope that isn’t a conflict of interest.)

Then, I might try the products myself because I want to get rid of the crow’s feet around my eyes before my next high school reunion.

I’m so excited that by tomorrow Kylie will probably have 222.000001 million followers.

Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.