Thank you very much. Superintendents Richards and Canty, Principal O'Donnell, members of the school board, members of the faculty and administration, parents and friends, honored guests and graduates, current and past author-figures at large wearing daring capes in bold colors and taking copious notes — I know you're out there — thank you for inviting me to speak at today's fabulous, not at all haunted, graduation ceremony. (Please excuse me, I suffer from an extreme case of Time Warp; they tell me it's an occupational hazard).
As an English teacher, I'm very surprised and honored to present this speech, but as the guy who often said whimsical things to you in the hallways, I'm worried about your, I mean my decision-making skills. I'm especially anxious about me today because I plan to present my speech in a frothy, futuristic format that I like to call Infotainment Interactive. Yes, one side of me has worked very hard to prepare you to think more deeply, read more closely, and distinguish between rational and emotional appeals, but my other side approves this playful message.