Pisani faces off against spouse in the hanging debate
Our family is divided between two camps on a very volatile issue — we’re on opposite sides of the fence, just like the conservatives and the liberals, the capitalists and the communists, the yins and the yangs, the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Capulets and the Montagues, the Trumps and the Clintons.
One side, supported by my wife, firmly believes you’re supposed to hang up your clothes after you take them off. The other side, which includes me, my kids, my grandkids and the dog, endorses the libertarian view that you should leave your clothes on the chair, on the bed, under the bed or dangling from doorknobs, which is my personal preference. (My second preference is under the bed, but my knees are starting to get a little creaky, and I can’t keep bending down every time I need a pair of socks.)
You see, if I hang my jacket on the doorknob, I know where it will be in case of an emergency, which means I have to rush out to get the dog a rotisserie chicken or I desperately need a candy cane mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks.
My mother was also obsessed about hanging clothes up and always yelling, “This isn’t a pig pen!” I guess the pigs were on our side, too.
Unfortunately, you can’t find what you’re looking for when clothes are crammed in the closet, so it’s a lot easier to toss them on the chair. Where do Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg and Michael Bloomberg stand on this issue? I need to know.
My view is that too much fastidiousness leads to ulcers and high blood pressure. I think Dr. Oz said that, or maybe it was Ozzie and Harriet.
At what point in the development of civilization did our ancestors decide it was necessary to hang up their clothes? Did it occur when Abraham finally settled in Canaan? After that, did he start hanging up his sheep skin from a hook in his tent to get out the wrinkles and dust? What about Moses? I bet he never hung up his loincloth while he was wandering in the desert for 40 years. Where would he hang it anyway?
Why is it so important to hang up our clothes? I’ve asked my wife that question, and she just stares at me with a confused grin that seems to say, “Should I throw you and your clothes out the window now or wait until you take them off?
She lives by a regimented system of beliefs that can be summarized as: Take off your coat, hang up your coat ... take off your sweater, hang up your sweater ... take off your socks and underwear, put your socks and underwear in the hamper, not under the bed ... take off your pants, hang up your pants, even though they’ll end up on the floor because the pants hangers we have are worthless. (Does anyone know where I can get some good pants hangers?)
Ever since our kids were young, “HANG THAT UP!” has been a battle cry in our home, like “Remember the Alamo!” Things only got worse during their teenage years because adolescents have a natural aversion to clothes hangers.
Every morning, our oldest daughter would spread her entire wardrobe out on the bed so she could select the perfect outfit for school, which usually consisted of a skimpy halter top and even skimpier shorts. But when her mother caught her trying to make a getaway for the school bus, she dragged her back and made her to change into a smock that previously belonged to Laura Ingalls of “Little House on the Prairie.”
Another daughter would try on a dozen outfits and parade in front of the mirror as if she was modeling for Anna Wintour during New York Fashion Week. Then, they’d scurry off to school and let Mom hang everything up.
My brain starts to throb just thinking about it. Anyway, it’s time for my Frappuccino. Hey, who took my jacket?!?
Joe Pisani can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.