Did I Say That?: Move over FBI, now aliens are observing us from our pockets

Joe Pisani wonders if tiny aliens are hiding in his pockets.

Joe Pisani wonders if tiny aliens are hiding in his pockets.

Joe Pisani /

I recently read a story that scared me so much my gray hair turned black. I was up all night, reaching for the Pepto Bismol and worrying about the latest scientific discovery.

Unlike many of you, I believe in science even though it can’t answer the big questions of the universe, like whether face masks work or red meat is good for you. Nevertheless, we’re on the verge of cataclysmic changes, and I’m not talking about global warming or Nancy Pelosi’s next job as hair stylist.

This story reminded me of articles I used to read in the Weekly World News while I was in the supermarket checkout line. Do you remember that paper? It had informative pieces, such as “Elvis Spotted Voting in Philadelphia” and “Aliens Cast Ballots in Florida” — they weren’t illegal aliens, they were extraterrestrial aliens.

Where is the Weekly World News when we need some old-school reporting? You may recall that its most popular stories were about Bat Boy, who was discovered in a cave in West Virginia in 1992.

Over the years, Bat Boy became an American icon. He fought terrorists, he helped U.S. forces capture Saddam Hussein, and most notably, he endorsed Al Gore in the 2000 presidential election. (He did! This is not fake news.)

In one of its last issues, the Weekly World News exclusively reported that Bat Boy will be elected president in 2028, based, I assume, on political polling done by Quinnipiac.

But the story that recently scared me was about a Cornell astronomer who said, “Aliens on nearby stars may be watching us.”

Yes, we are being watched... and this time it isn’t the FBI, Big Data, Big Tech or Big Brother. I’m not a scientist or investigative reporter, but I suspect these aliens may have influenced this election the same way the Russians did, raising the possibility of alien collusion, which is something that should be investigated by NASA instead of the FBI.

A day later, I saw another story that said, “Tiny aliens may have visited us.” Now, what the heck are they up to? (I repeat: This is not fake news.) That story was based on research by a scientist in NASA’s Intelligent Systems Division.

Silvano P. Colombano said, “The extraterrestrials may look different than what we expect and not at all like us,” which probably means they don’t have pierced tongues or tattoos. He went on to explain, “The size of these explorers from outer space might be that of an extremely tiny super-intelligent entity.” This means you can put them in your pocket, purse or pill bottle, but only if it has a child-resistant cap.

During this time of crisis, we have to be positive. If aliens are among us, that could be a good thing. For example, it will take the concept of diversity to an entirely new level.

I’m convinced Hollywood has known about the alien presence a long time and did nothing. For all we know, Harvey Weinstein could be an alien. This is not some YouTube conspiracy theory, so I urge the Facebook fact checkers not to censor this column.

How do I know? Remember those 1950s documentaries like “Invaders from Mars” and “I Married a Monster from Outer Space” and the unforgettable “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” which was about pod people who were really aliens with creepy tentacles?

You could always tell who the pod people were because they looked like they just drank a quart of Patron tequila ... or prune juice. We have to be on high alert. They could be infiltrating our government, our Congress or Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen. This is a matter of national security. To complicate things, we can’t tell who they are because everybody will be wearing face masks for the next four years.

(I have to whisper so that Zuckerberg guy doesn’t hear me.) I’m worried. The Body Snatchers have arrived and they’re on Facebook. Where’s Bat Boy when we need him?

I’ll leave you with one final thought: If there is intelligent life in the universe, it’s not on planet Earth.

Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.